Muses of a Monkey Playing Cymbals

Growing up a monkey

I have always known that I was different than those around me, especially as a child.

Monkey Freedom!

Now, I want you to remember that no monkey ever won a verbal war by choking on his own feces. He won it by making the other poor dumb monkey choke on his own feces. All this stuff you’ve heard about monkeys not wanting to write, wanting to stay out of the blogs, is a lot of horse dung. Monkeys traditionally love to chatter. All real Monkeys love the sting of verbal battles. When you were little apes, you all admired the champion feces flinger, the fastest chatter, the big league banana eater, the toughest flea picker. Monkeys love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Monkeys play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a monkey who lost and laughed. That’s why Monkeys have never lost and will never lose a verbal war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Monkeys.

Now, some people think writing should be done by a team blog. They live, eat, sleep, and write as a team. But this team blogging stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about team blogging don’t know anything more about real blogging than they do about fornicating.

We have the finest similes and quips, the best spirit and the best monkeys in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor blogging bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the keys of our keyboards. We’re going to murder those lousy blog bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you monkeys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under verbal fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The My Space bastards are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's haiku, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the political crap blogs do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

There’s one thing that you monkeys will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great blog wars, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana."

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful apes into verbal battle – anytime, anywhere.

That’s all.