Laughter
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When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
--Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
--Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
--Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
--Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
--Rosemary, Age 7
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents
are doing taxes.
--Carol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
--Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
--Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
him.
--Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
--Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone.
--Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
--Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
--Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
--Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
--Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your
mom told you to do.
--Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
--Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
--Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes.
--Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
--Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
--Cynthia, Age 8
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells and smell like pepper.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
--Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
--George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
--Carol Leifer
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
--Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.
--Johnny Carson
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--John Mendoza
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
--Lily Tomlin
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down and gave a little monkey yell.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down and made his noises..
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," the monkey nodded.
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned a sexual act.
"They were doing THAT, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait a minute. You're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and engaged in sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
The bartender asks, "Can I get you a beer, buddy?"
Descartes replies, "I think not" and Poof he disappears.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
"Hello, I would like a room just for tonight," Mary Poppins said to the man.
"Well, you're just in luck because we have one room left," he replied.
Mary Poppins looked very pleased. After the man handed her the keys to the room, he then added, "Oh, by the way, would you like room service to bring you up something to eat?"
"Why, certainly," Mary Poppins answered, "I would like some cauliflower, Swiss cheese, and eggs thank you very much." "Okay, we'll have it right up in a minute," he said.
So, Mary Poppins went up to her room, and as the man said, room service gave her cauliflower, eggs, and Swiss cheese.
The next day, as Mary Poppins was checking out of the motel, the man asked her how she enjoyed her meal.
"Well," she started, "The cauliflower was good, and so was the cheese, but the eggs weren't very tasty."
"Well, over there we have something called the suggestion box So, if you have anything to write down, then feel free to, "The man said in response.
So, Mary Poppins walked over the suggestion box, wrote something down on a piece of paper, put it in, grabbed her umbrella, then left.
The man was very curious as to what she wrote So he walked over to the suggestion box, and looked at what she wrote down.
He read: Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrociuos.
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure" So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.
"Love, Mom."
Police are said to be searching for a bunch of hardened criminals.
Some recent winners:
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep . . . Andre creep . . .Andre creep."
"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
| Artery | The study of paintings |
| Bacteria | Back door to cafeteria |
| Barium | What doctors do when patients die |
| Benign | What you be after you be eight |
| Caesarean Section | A neighborhood in Rome |
| CATscan | Searching for kitty |
| Cauterize | Made eye contact with her |
| Colic | A sheep dog |
| Coma | A punctuation mark |
| D & C | Where Washington is |
| Dilate | To live long |
| Enema | Not a friend |
| Fester | Quicker than someone else |
| Fibula | A small lie |
| Genital | Non-Jewish person |
| GI Series | World Series of Military baseball |
| Hangnail | What you hang your coat on |
| Impotent | Distinguished, well known |
| Incontinent | Location of tourists who have left cruise ship |
| Labor Pain | Getting hurt at work |
| Medical Staff | A Doctor's cane |
| Morbid | A higher offer than I bid |
| Nitrates | Cheaper than day rates |
| Node | I knew it |
| Outpatient | A person who has fainted |
| Pap Smear | A fatherhood test |
| Pelvis | Second cousin to Elvis |
| Post Operative | A letter carrier |
| Recovery Room | Place to do upholstery |
| Rectum | Damn near killed him |
| Secretion | Hiding something |
| Seizure | Roman emperor |
| Tablet | A small table. |
| Terminal Illness | Getting sick at the airport. |
| Tumor | More than one. |
| Urine | Opposite of you're out. |
| Varicose | Near by/close by |
He sidles up to the bar and growls: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! You just shot my bartender and you didn't pay for your sandwich! Who do you think you are?!?"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager rushes to his dictionary...
"pan*da n. (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) A rare, mountain dwelling mammal of China and Tibet, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
"Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?"
"Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
"Shut up," she says. "You're next."
This parrot was fully grown—with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music—anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming...
Then, suddenly, all was quiet.
Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said:
"I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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