Phoenix

by DJ Sprague

Op. 11   Amber Nights


 A love eulogy enchanted and dominion'd. I tried to comprehend the sensation. But how does one assign discreet pockets of light to an indiscreet streaming of a dark night. And in that night, overhead, a silent scream pervades the ethers, penetrates every leaf, drop of sea..salted waters seeping, and by its dream light, a misty haunting more real than real..for an amber night is an ancient night, forever waiting for its dawn


 Familiar sight and sound seems far away. Estranged I stand looking at this captivating woman, feeling the world so greater, so open. I saw her, and my sense of her grew from a stream of beautiful sensations. We had so many pleasant sensations between us, a fine rapport, yet I felt crazed, unknowing whether or not, if this rapport is real or a phantom of what I want to be real. This enchantment possessed me to uncomfortable compulsion for more, which I readily abate. I want only what is real. But I see her, and it lingers. My sensation of her, this dreaming readily invaded every waking thought. The subtle, gentle curves of her spirit surrounded me. A quiet lavender. I felt sure, I could learn not to offend the delicate patterns of her translucent form. Our beauteous moments inspired a greater space, into which I spontaneously plunged. Some emanation, an apparition, a fine radiance, unseen but felt, and more real!..than anything material

 This powerful aura, my power to perceive it, between which the synaptic passage through which, love is ultimately conveyed and offered? Yet, only through circumstance or happenstance, could some collage of me be revealed. How difficult to perceive? how unlikely to happen?..the right place and time given to instinctive youth willing to take the time to venture? And to this, gentle offerings are subtle and beyond grasp. Matured youth, she seemed ageless. I, restless. She, nimble. I, facing deadly eternity. She, supple and evergreen. Face to ghostly face, suddenly outside myself, I was not good for anything except wandering throughout tangled wood. I hovered over dead moss'd logs, floated over ancient deer paths. Over bush, I drifted. Through grey fogs, cool dark shade, over damp earthen soil, autumn twilight made..into the arbors' northside darkness, by ruddy bark, off which stray light is redirected into palisades of green. I, floating wonderstruck, a stranger to familiar sight and sound. From her dwelling, she emerged and paused. A radiant glow penetrates, pervades all around

 I saw, and was sure of the cause of my drifting. I stood staring. In my silent awe.. stricken, I felt the stars a'far. What possessed me loosened every fiber, every cell. I felt the wind shifting in a space greater than me. But how could she know? And I felt sure, it could very well be, for me, to eventually fill the space introduced by her, and she, amiable still...we would become grand mountain peaks, a'yodeling across the way, down which, baby stones with edges worn smooth, would tumble into the future, each according to each

 Having returned from my enchanted forest, I sought familiar places, familiar sounds..recognizable objects. Familiar people talk to me. To them, I talk familiar, but they know not, the presence of her. My bed too, estranged, rose kindly to receive me. Into the darkness I stared

 To a morning mist, I awoke from a dreamless sleep. Deep into the forest did I move. I walked into a clearing. Golden grass..high and untrodden, I gazed upward and envisioned. Gentle clouds took shape. The light from its linings obeyed my every command. The broken mists over this forest were high, a haven in the sky, I knew she would like. Perhaps she will gaze upon this day, intonations of light, but simple invitations to my clearing especially made in this forest of my dreaming. I felt sure..my light spinning in the sky, that she would eventually seek its source, and inquire why

 Some dark firs suddenly parted. A soft amber radiance shown through. All manners of light were above us, around us, between us. She smiled, then gazed at one of my images, then introduced herself with a query. And so began the long devoted dialogues, so began our play. By them we were warmed. And little did she know that the fire of our exchange, the sun so kindly lent, occupied the space she inspired. It was there in our play, that we became acquainted. Our radiant apparitions changed readily to keep pace with our give and take. The light exhausted, the sun impatient, endless day, endless play, everyday pushing against the curfews of night

 It was such a natural thing, it seemed. I, budding light of past and future...her, eternal here and now, how could I possibly know? Maybe she was just being kind. I was such a natural wanderling. Unwittingly wild. Delicate roots, new seedlings deep in these woods ensearching the light above, and the nighted soil below. She saw the great number of forms I could make, destroy, or readily transform. All sizes and shapes were readily, spontaneously made. All that could be conjured for the sake of play. For the sake of rapport growing...I, this peacock display, with plume, broad and spreading, it was but me struggling to become master of this magic so greater than I, to become adept to this enchantment, so far beyond me. A freedom she inspired, a space I so willingly occupied. I felt, this could not die

 And one day, she did not show. I was told she was preparing to live in a faraway land. I thought how could this be? Was there another inspired?..the same as me. An October wind suddenly blew. Tenacious leaves, once beautiful red and brown, looked dying, about to fall upon the ground. A gust of wind surged, and the trees stood bare, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt cold. Aestival dawns, waxed and waned. My clearing in the forest, overgrown. The sun, with surplus light ablaze, coarse beams penetrated through dark evergreens. Towering hulking firs play with urgent spirits passing through. Cold shadows danced, over a forest of dreams

 And so it came to be, beauty divine, an offering declined. Wandering aimless in mind, laughing heartless, dreamless nights blunted the day. And weary of eternal winter nights, I sought the wisdom of it, but without success. I looked darkly upon the spirits of the world. I laughed darkly, I slept darkly

 It was then, when I suddenly awoke in the deep night of my attic bedroom. I awoke sitting. A being..some apparition was at the foot of my bed. It wore a brilliant white robe. The hood cast deep black over its face, and I could not see into there. Already accustomed to such a face, I stared into its darkness until a radiant rope began to undulate out towards me from its heart. When the rope came close, I immediately reached and grabbed. A great current of spirit passed into me. I knew! I knew!! The spirit world is true! The window panes creaking, the dark wind howling, my brow sweating, I began to gather the dim light of my empty attic...simply dreaming? No!...too emphatic

 I must see the wisdom of it, and bring to an end this endless winter night. I must see, so the flower will again blossom, so the sun will warm, and by its charm, once again, harvest its offerings. My natal home, now somehow so very small. I was given to high expectations, given to much but inquiry. I began to seek the wisdom of it all. In some faraway land I must be, to break free, to be as I may. Out of control, I sought circumstances out of my control. But I enjoyed the play. I love to play, each time, paradigm to paradigm. I will remember this day, the play of thought, one to one, spirit to spirit, personally. There was wisdom here, but I was not wise enough. I was not wise

 Many seasons passed. I was far in a foreign land. I was in high adventure upon the seas. And I would empty my head promptly, when the least bit of light would begin to penetrate on its own. I stayed in motion, like a migrating creature over winter'd land. I just needed a clearing, and someone endearing. I returned to the field I knew, now heavily overgrown. No matter how hard I tried, I could not make life wait. Life does not wait, it curves, always in motion..and in waiting, I found this faraway streaming, and me, on a path back in memory

 I stood as before, reaching above for the light with light'gathering powers. I could even shape nebulous clouds. The power was back! and greater than before. Yet, for what purpose? Absent and faraway was her essence. It is only but memory, amid the trees of this quiet forest

 She had returned from her faraway land. Even still, her motion created no wake. She dwelled so long in the dark me, her amber paled..her light, interrupted by more than one mote, blocking her sight. She trembled head to ground. And so mal nourished of herself, I turned my light to her, to cast down warm upon her. She gave thanks..but no time to play, nor inclination to play

 I was ready'made because when the lover loves, the lover already loves the loves of the beloved. She backed into the shadows of the trees. I could barely see her, and her and me, only darkly. But this madness is strong, its melancholy powerful. We had enjoyed our play, but when..did she stop playing? With child behind us, and the child springing up all around..why must the child in us be abandoned? Why so difficult to be found? For without the child within, who can possibly see the child issuing out? Without us playing, how can the child in the field, be seen playing? How? can the child be seen. With light from the sun within in a playground especially cleared in a forest to revel and rest, the best is offered for eternities to come..but as mysteriously as before, she went away

 Without hesitation, I sought to cast off this madness. I ran to each flower I could find in the forest of my mind. Each receptive to me made some motion, but none could play as I..or could be, would be, here and now with me. What terrible risks we take! In the midst of myself with no distractions from what I see, in the midst of everything but myself, without a mirror, myself to see

 I am now, as I was resolved long ago, the haunting, the fire, the divine play, she could inspire..I took to the sky. I sought high adventure in the world. In every port, I sought every open flower. Anger polarizes, and drunken, I could not stand..not for this haunting, it was waning, but because I know in this timeless now, all and everything verily, however coarse or fine, how ever wretched or sublime, is the best, I can be. Nevertheless, I, some primal scream streams across the night to unfetter me from this melancholy. But like a child at play, the universe keeps the primal cause spinning like a top. I spun faster than the nighted stars. The light is dimmer. The dark, darker. I tried to hide, but could not hide. This enchantment is innocent..and cannot hide

 I returned to the familiar forest and clearing. I still feel its power, but the field so overgrown, only a few rays of sun shown through to the ground. The forest is dim and cool. It has laid long, undisturbed. Only traces of memory and feeling dissipating into the trees rising higher and darker. The sky is black and murky, swirling dull, greyish purple..but here, I forebear and stay

 I immediately sought the largest of the arbors. When I touched its surface, its amber pitch blending became my blood..its fragrance penetrated the far reaches of my mind. Branch by dwindling branch, did I ascend. This glorious body reaching for the sky shall teach me now, how I may defy the purple mood swirling, brooding, streaming by

 Upon my rise, great spirits whipped the murky heavens into a greater froth, and there to greet me..tops of evergreen, valiant in the midnight sky. I see as they! and clung tight. Hang on! Let the force of the wind over land and sea, pass. It was all I had to do, all I could do. Sway, stand the ride, no place to hide, let the murky streaming passing, take with it, the last of my wanting for play

 In this dark I saw, I was enabled to see far, and I began to descend into turbulence within. Deeper into the dense forest, I went. In the darkness I saw on the earthen floor, all calm and peaceful with all. Enchanted, possessed, I no longer wanted to break the light. I saw gentle brooks feed the arbors high in the sky. I saw the sun tied to the Earth by them. The fields, the bursting fruit. The delicious morning fragrance rising from still meadows. All the colors are here, all the light we need. All the freedom we can be, this dark enchantment inspires the eagle in me...for I can feel as the eagle sees. I fly high upon every thought born free, and remembered, in this forest so coarse, so fine..nowhere can freedom be found, but in mind

 Enchanted, I learned that Autumn does not steal the leaves from trees. Rather, the trees are paying back a loan they made earlier from the Earth to celebrate the arrival of aestival dawn. But before this, in my winter night, I knew what I wanted to be in the overgrown clearing, to the hidden, fruit'bearing trees..to the rivers, mountains, and seas, to great forests of mind..to be simply, a member of its society

 Under falling leaves, did I stay. With feet firmly planted, roots sprouted and defied the purple heavens. The sky grew darker, and through it, a strong beam of light cast down. The undulant hay in the field of play, was cresting with a fine layer of lunar essence. And I, rooting deeper, saw the lavendar heavens part. A beautiful radiance, I once knew, was passing through. A brilliant soft amber, delicately laced in iridescent white. A peaceful smile, gently turned the night, when all the myriad of life passed into me, through me, coursing through my veins. Only for a moment, her pedals opened, a brief passing in the night..and I was there, rooted in the history of our time, in the only place where she could blossom, where a greater world would allow some essence of me, to pass to her. And in that instant after, as mysteriously as she appeared, she vanished for the last time

 The night grew darker and calmer. The arbor over me, fruit long since ripened, its seed forgotten, released its leaves to the ground. My roots went deeper into the cold dark earth. To a broken sky, I posed. Incandescent, luminescent clouds swiftly passing by. Moonbeams split, spread softly. By them, I saw darkly, the seasons pass. Now in this moon, I am new. All life is intricately connected, all separation, but apparent separation...all spirit, true. I felt enriched that I loved..assured, that I could love! I rooted deep, I filled the sky, but how could I know?..that by a spirit so kind from hurried days and dark flight..amber light, and amber nights, would forever grace the forest of my mind


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