Phoenix
by Dale J. Sprague
Op. 11 Amber Nights
Enchanted. Possessed. I tried to comprehend the sensation. But how does one assign discreet pockets of light to an indiscreet streaming of a dark night. And in that night, overhead, a silent scream pervades the ethers, penetrates every leaf, drop of sea..salted waters seeping, dream light..a misty haunting
Familiar sight and sound seems far away. Estranged, I stand outside of myself, looking at this captivating woman, feeling the world so greater, so open. I saw her, and my sense of her grew from a stream of beautiful sensations. We had so many pleasant sensations between us, a fine rapport, yet I felt a bit crazed unknowing whether or not if this rapport is real, or a phantom of what I want to be real. This enchantment possessed me to uncomfortable compulsion, which I readily abate. I want only what is real. But I see her, and it lingers. My sensation of her, this dreaming readily invaded every waking thought. The subtle, gentle curves of her spirit surrounded me. A quiet gentleness. I felt sure that I could learn not to offend the delicate patterns of her velvet surface. Our beauteous moments inspired a greater space, into which I spontaneously plunged. Some emanation, an apparition, a fine radiance, unseen but felt, and more real!..than any material thing
This powerful aura, my power to perceive it, between which the synaptic passage through which love is ultimately conveyed and offered? Yet, only through circumstance, happenings, happenstance and time, could some collage of me perhaps be revealed. How difficult to perceive, how unlikely to happen..the right place and time given to wise youth willing to take the time to perceive? And to this enchantment, gentle offerings are subtle. Matured youth, she seemed ageless. I, restless. She, nimble. I, facing deadly eternity. She, supple and evergreen. Face to ghostly face, suddenly outside myself, I was not good for anything except wandering throughout tangled wood. I hovered over dead moss'd logs, floated over ancient deer paths. Over the bush, I drifted. Through grey fogs, cool dark shade, through damp earthen soil autumn leaves made. Into the arbors' northside darkness, through ruddy bark, off which stray light is redirected into the palisades of green. I, floating, wonderstruck, stranger to familiar sight and sound. From her dwelling, she emerged and paused. A radiant glow penetrates, pervades all around
I saw, and was sure of the cause of my drifting. I stood staring. In my silent awe, stricken, I felt the stars afar. What possessed me loosened every fiber, every cell. I felt the wind shifting in a space greater than me. But how could she know? And I felt sure it could very well be, for me to eventually fill the space introduced by her, and she, amiable still...we would become a grand mountain, down which little stones worn smooth by the fall, would tumble into the future, each according to each
I stared hard into the night, the night into which the light of me lifted and passed, but did not return. Having returned from my enchanted forest, I sought familiar places, familiar sounds..recognizable objects. Familiar people talk to me, but they do not know that I have become someone else. They do not know that I died, nor how much I died. My bed too, estranged, rose kindly to receive me. Into the darkness I stared. I did not feel her presence with me, within me. Yet, how? could that be
In the morning mist, I awoke from a dreamless sleep. Deep into the forest did I move. I walked into a clearing. Golden grass..high and untrodden. I gazed upward and envisioned. Gentle clouds took shape. The light from its linings obeyed my every command. The broken mists over this forest were high, a haven in the sky, I knew she would like. Perhaps she will gaze upon this day, intonations of light, but simple invitations to my clearing, especially made in this forest of my dreaming. I felt sure that it would happen..my light spinning in the sky, that she would eventually seek its source, and inquire why
Some dark firs suddenly parted. A soft amber radiance shown through. All manners of light were above us, around us, between us. She smiled, then gazed at one of my images, then introduced herself with a query. And so began the long devoted dialogues, so began our play. And little did she know that all these fires of mind, the sun so kindly lent, occupied the space she inspired. It was there in our play that we became acquainted. Our radiant apparitions changed readily to keep pace with our give and take. The light exhausted, the sun impatient, endless day, endless play, everyday pushing against the curfews of night
It was such a natural thing. Into this eternal play did I so readily enter. I, budding light of past, present, and future...her, eternal here and now, how could I possibly know? she was not playing. Maybe she was just being kind. I was such a natural wanderling. Unwittingly wild. Delicate roots, new seedlings deep in these woods ensearching the light above, from the nighted soil below. In divine play, pleasure, inspiration...sweet revelation. She saw the great number of forms I could make, destroy, or readily transform. The freedom to give and take. All sizes and shapes were readily, spontaneously made. All types and makes that thought would conjure for the sake of play. For the sake of love growing...I, this peacock display, with plume broad and spreading, it was but me struggling, to become master of this magic so greater than I, to become adept to this enchantment, so far beyond me. A freedom she inspired, a space I so willingly occupied. It felt I could not die. And one day she did not show. I queried and was told she was preparing to live in a faraway land. I thought how could this be? Was there another inspired?..the same as me
An October wind suddenly blew. Tenacious leaves, once beautiful red and brown, looked dying, about to fall upon the ground. A gust of wind surged, and the trees lay bare, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt cold. Aestival dawns waxed and waned. My clearing in the forest, overgrown. The sun with surplus light ablaze. Coarse beams penetrate through dark evergreens. Towering hulking firs play with urgent spirits passing through. Cold shadows dance over our field of dreams
And so it came to be, beauty divine, an offering declined. Wandering aimless in mind, laughing heartless, dreamless nights blunted the day. And weary of eternal winter nights, I sought the wisdom of it, but without success. I looked darkly upon the spirits of the world. I laughed darkly, I slept darkly
It was then when I suddenly awoke, in the deep night of my attic bedroom, I awoke sitting. A being..surely some apparition was at the foot of my bed. It wore a brilliant white robe. The hood cast deep black over its face, I could not see into there. Already accustomed to such a face, I stared into its darkness until a radiant rope began to undulate out towards me from its heart. When the rope came close, I immediately reached and grabbed. A great current of energy passed into me. I knew! I knew!! The spirit world is true! The window panes creaking, the dark wind howling, my brow sweating, I began to gather the dim light of my empty attic. A simple dream? No, too emphatic
I must see the wisdom of it, and bring to an end this endless winter night. I must see, so the flower will again blossom, so the sun will warm, and by its charm, once again harvest its offerings. My natal home, now somehow so very small. I was given much for great expectations, given much but inquiry...who I am, who might I come to be. I began to seek wisdom. In some faraway land I must be, to break free, to be as I may. Out of control, I sought circumstances out of my control. But I enjoyed the play. I love to play, each time, paradigm to paradigm. I will remember this day, the play of thought, the joy it can be, one to one, personally. There was wisdom here, but I was not wise enough. I was not wise
Many seasons passed. I was far in a foreign land. I was in high adventure upon the seas. And I would empty my head immediately when the least bit of light would begin to crawl on its own. I stayed in motion like a migrating creature over winter'd land. I just needed a clearing, and someone endearing. I returned to the field I knew, now heavily overgrown. No matter how hard I tried, I could not make life wait. Life does not wait, it curves always in motion..and in waiting, I found this faraway streaming, and me, curving back in memory
I stood as before, reaching above for the light with light'gathering powers. I could even shape nebulous clouds. The power was back! and greater than before. Yet, for what purpose? Absent and faraway was her essence. It is only but memory amid the trees of this quiet forest
She had returned from her faraway land. Someone mentioned my dreamings, and even still, her motion created no wake. She had dwelled so long in her dark eternity, her amber paled..her light, interrupted by more than one mote blocking her sight. She trembled head to ground. And so mal nourished of herself I instantly returned my light to the sun, for more of it to cast down warm upon her. Relieved, she gave thanks, but no time to play, nor inclination to play
We were but children in the forest, and she called me brother. But I had more to offer. I always had so much to readily give. I directly made this known and directly in response, her blossom she forced open. She was salient. I was high. She was valiant. I, so far from all in the sky. Once again into my forest, her and I, yet hopeless again, herself again, she could not see. Did she choose not to see?..or were the trees only of me? The trees and flowers there, and the fruit everywhere. The evergreen, the leaves falling. The rich soil nurturing, colors pulsing. This ancient amber, and so it is with this, it must burn, a living fire..love need not be returned! I had to know
I was ready'made because when the lover loves, the lover is already related to the loves of the beloved. She did not know this. She backed up into the shadows of the trees. I could barely see her, and her and me, only darkly. But this madness is strong, its melancholy powerful. How could she not feel this aura between us? Why was she not moved by it as I? It is very good that we enjoyed our play. But when did she stop playing? With childhood behind us, and the child springing up all around..why must the child in us be abandoned? Why so difficult to be found? For without the child within, who can possibly see the child issuing out? Without us playing, how can the child in the field be seen playing? How?..can the child be seen
With light from the sun in a playground especially cleared, in a forest from which to draw and occasionally rest, the best is offered for eternities to come. It was I, in my play, she became afraid. And as mysteriously as before, went away. She was kind. To her, this, but a simple affair, no future. I, a muse enpassing, a jester to momentarily abate some state of despair. An option. A possible choice for consideration. Without hesitation I sought to cast off this madness. I ran to each flower I could find in the forest of my mind. Each receptive to me, made some motion, but none could play as I..or could be, would be here and now with me. But I felt ready for love! What terrible risks we take! In the midst of myself with no distractions from what I see, in the midst of everything but myself without a mirror, myself to see
I am now as I was resolved long ago then..to never cut a great sensation short. The haunting. The fire of thought, the divine play she could inspire. She pleasured me. And not to beat a pleasure to death, I took to the sky. I sought high adventure in the world. In every port I sought every open flower. Anger polarizes, and drunken, I could not stand, I could not stand to be angry with her. Not for this haunting. It was waning. But because I know, in this timeless now, all and everything verily, however coarse or fine, how ever wretched or sublime, is the best that it can be. Nevertheless, I, some primal scream streams across the night to unfetter me from this melancholy. But like a child at play, the cosmos keeps the primal cause spinning like a top. I spun faster than the nighted stars. The light is dimmer. The dark, darker. I tried to hide, but could not hide. This enchantment is innocent..and cannot hide
Yet, it is true, and perhaps she saw but nebulous forms in me. She felt no thing that could stand and hold fast. I, levitated..she, gravitated. And so we somehow passed. My flowers, my powers she passed over unable to reach out..I, unable to reach her. I stood fast, fasting. She did not want or did not know. It was freedom I was offering...heart, mind, and soul
The soul magnifies. The mind divides. The heart treasures. The heart keeps the soul from over reacting. The mind, from under reacting. Was I over reacting or under reacting with her? We were far apart. The enchantment I tried to break I could only abate. I returned to the familiar forest and the clearing. I still feel its power, but the field so overgrown, only a few rays of sun shown through to the ground. The forest is dim and cool. It has laid long undisturbed. Only traces of memory and feeling. The trees rose higher and darker. The sky is black and murky, swirling dull greyish purple..but here, I decided to stay
I immediately sought the largest of the arbors. And when I touched its surface, its dark amber pitch blending became my blood, its fragrance penetrating the far reaches of my mind. Branch by dwindling branch, did I ascend. This glorious body reaching for the sky shall teach me now, how I may defy the purple mood swirling, brooding, streaming by
Upon my rise, great spirits whipped the murky heavens to a greater froth. And there to greet me..tops of evergreen, valiant in the midnight sky. I see as they! and quickly clung tight. Hang on! Let the force of the wind over land and sea pass. It was all I had to do, all I could do. Sway, stand the ride, no place to hide, let the murky mists simply pass by
In this dark I saw, I was enabled to see far, and I began to descend into turbulence within. Deeper into the dense forest I went. In the darkness I saw, on the earthen floor, all calm and peaceful. Enchanted, possessed, I no longer wanted to break the light. I saw gentle brooks feed the arbors high in the sky. I saw the sun tied to the Earth by them. The fields, the bursting fruit. The delicious morning fragrance rising from still meadows. All the colors are here, all the light we need. All the freedom we can be, this dark enchantment inspires the eagle in me...for I can feel as the eagle sees. I fly high upon every thought born free, and learned in this forest so coarse, so fine..nowhere can freedom be found, but in mind
Enchanted, I unwittingly learned that Autumn does not steal the leaves from trees. Rather, the trees are paying back a loan they made earlier from the Earth to celebrate the arrival of aestival dawn. But before this, in my winter night, I knew what I wanted to be, in the overgrown clearing, to the hidden fruit'bearing trees..to the rivers, mountains, and seas, to great forests of mind..to be simply, a member of its society
Under falling leaves did I stay. My feet firmly planted, roots sprouted and defied the purple heavens. This enchantment no longer pulls on me. I see what I need to see. The sky grew darker, and through it, a strong beam of light cast down. The undulant hay in the field of play was cresting with a fine layer of lunar essence. A radiant dull sheen, and I, rooting deeper, saw it part. A beautiful radiance I once knew was passing through. A brilliant soft amber, delicately laced in iridescent white. A peaceful smile gently turned up the corner of her lips. And in this dark night, it was as though all the myriad of life passed into me, through me, coursing through my veins..my heart a'fire, hope is vain. It was only for a moment that her pedals opened for just a bare sense of time, a brief passing eternity offered...and I was there, rooted in the history of our time, in the only place where she could blossom, where a greater world would allow some essence of me to pass to her. And in that instant after, as mysteriously as she appeared, she vanished for the last time
The night grew darker and calmer. The arbor over me, fruit long since ripened, and diaspora seed forgotten, released its leaves to the ground. My roots went deeper into the cold dark earth. To a broken sky, my mind arose. Incandescent, luminescent clouds swiftly passing by. Moonbeams split, spread softly. By them, I saw darkly the seasons pass. Now in this moon, I am new. All life is intricately connected, all separation but apparent separation...all spirit, true. I felt enriched, that I truly did love, that I could love. I filled the sky. I rooted deep. I sowed my seed, but how could I know? by that be given so kind, from hurried days and dark flight..that amber light and amber nights would forever grace the forest of my mind