Generally speaking, what I've written can be divided into three
First and foremost, I've written lots of funny letters which I send to celebrities. Some of them go to world leaders, some of them go to rock stars. A few go, generically, to a particular company that makes a product which I use. They're really harmless: so harmless, in fact, that nobody has ever decided to write back to me. But they're pretty funny. If you worked at Microsoft, you could come down the hall to my office and see the newest ones tacked up on my office door.
I've written a few self-important essays. They're so embarrassing, but incredibly cathartic. I probably won't post them.
Finally, I've written lots of magazine articles and contributed to a couple of books. I even edited one. Most recently, I wrote my very own book. The book is published by Wrox Press, and you can review details about almost everything else I have written professionally. Please don't ask me how to become an author or if I can help you; just write as much as I have and be nice and be on time and do it well and things will work out for you.
My twelfth grade composition teacher scrawled across one of my essays: "You will never write anyhting professionally." If I had been any less headstrong, I suppose I would have taken that seriously and not even tried. As it stands, I guess my lifetime-to-date earnings from writing things professionally total about ten times what she makes in a year from the school district. Life is fully of little ironies.
I think she wrote that demeaning little prediction on my paper because she didn't like the subject I picked for one of my class assignments. We were to write a comparative essay based on a similie. Most people in the class picked dopey stuff: life is like cherries, love is like chocolate, roses are like women, women are like cherries, chocolate is like a rose, and so on. Me, I wrote a paper called "Life is Like Mayonnaise". She didn't like the subject to begin with, but then I went and used phrases like "putrid glop" and "clinking around". She went berserk.
If you have kids, you need to remember that these little things damage their brains. They'll end up like me if you don't protect them: they'll smoke cigars and yell at the top of their lungs at hockey games and walk around thinking the people they help should thank them.
Last modified on 11 August, 1996.