Dissillusioned
I have been blogging for two years. For awhile I was actually blogging on a daily basis and following all of the rules for building a blog audience. I responded to comments. I added people to my links list. I commented on other blogs. I built the blog and very few people came.
I blogged about blog depression. I blogged about blogger block and burnout.
I wrote blog entries that made me shiver with how clever and profound they were.
Yet still very few people read them.
I have tried over and over again to tell myself I blog for myself. Yet I still find myself crafting things to please nonexistent readers.
So I built yet another blog to escape from my other blog.
What I find so pitiful about it, is that I am just running away from the fact that I am not as clever as I think I am. I used to think that I was so cutting edge that "common" people just couldn't get my humor. Now I more or less acknowledge that the problem is that I'm not funny. I'm not ahead of my time, I'm just weird. And regardless of what I tell myself, it does matter. I do care.
The bitch of it is that I write stuff I like to read. I think it is funny. So acknowledging that it isn't worth anything is acknowledging something deeper -- I'm not worth anything.
I write that I am happy being mediocre because I want someone to contradict me. They don't.
So this blog is just for me. It is simply my place to wallow in self pity and self loathing.
And since it is a blog only for me, it truly is a place where everyone knows my name. Cheers!
I blogged about blog depression. I blogged about blogger block and burnout.
I wrote blog entries that made me shiver with how clever and profound they were.
Yet still very few people read them.
I have tried over and over again to tell myself I blog for myself. Yet I still find myself crafting things to please nonexistent readers.
So I built yet another blog to escape from my other blog.
What I find so pitiful about it, is that I am just running away from the fact that I am not as clever as I think I am. I used to think that I was so cutting edge that "common" people just couldn't get my humor. Now I more or less acknowledge that the problem is that I'm not funny. I'm not ahead of my time, I'm just weird. And regardless of what I tell myself, it does matter. I do care.
The bitch of it is that I write stuff I like to read. I think it is funny. So acknowledging that it isn't worth anything is acknowledging something deeper -- I'm not worth anything.
I write that I am happy being mediocre because I want someone to contradict me. They don't.
So this blog is just for me. It is simply my place to wallow in self pity and self loathing.
And since it is a blog only for me, it truly is a place where everyone knows my name. Cheers!
5 Comments:
Tim
You have got to be kidding. Did you write this?
There is NO WAY this is true. Lights and I talk about you on a daily basis; "Did you see what Tim did today?" "God, he is so f'n funny". Lights and I argue about who you like better. I tell him you like me better because at least I blog... he gave his up. We feel like you have that same twisted humor that we have. We get all your jokes and marvel at your gift of metaphors, puns, and similies.
If you don't want me to read this one, let me know. If you want one completely to yourself, I will understand. If this is merely an experiment of yours that I have stumbled on, let me know not to take it seriously. However, if you need a reason to keep right on doing what you do best... just look at Lights and I. We absolutely love your writing. You are talented and clever. We'll do whatever it takes to keep you blogging.
Shandi, Thank you. Obviously my attempt to wallow in self-pity has been unsuccessful. But I appreciate the support both you and Lights have shown almost from the beginning (though I seem to recall you recruited Pete and dragged him kicking and screaming into the blog world). I respect both of you.
Don't tell anyone about my hiding place, though. :)
Tim,
I stumbled back into your hiding place. I haven't been back since this first post, thinking you really wanted it kept private. But, I really wanted something REAL to read. I am so tired of reading crap blogs in order to stay "blogcorrect". The blogworld can be like that party you described, where people pretend to like you (and your blog) just to keep you reading theirs.
This is the only post you have allowed comments so I'm diving in with one and... I'm reading regularly from now on. Okay, unless you ask me not to at which point I would cease and desist.
I found these posts absolutely wonderful and honestly refreshing. You are as real as I always thought you were.
The gargoyle that you mentioned has annoyed me for ages but has such a huge following (typically BDSM women) that you don't dare piss him off. I've been just as irritated with the political goat herder. Lately, he's pissed at you for deleting his link and has recently deleted yours. I think you may have finally WON. I've been trying to get rid of both of them. I feel so awful that they found you through me. I hope you don't allow any of that bullshit to change the way you write. Yours is the only blog I want to continue reading. But considering that I haven't been up for blogging myself, I guess I'm being a bit selfish. I just have to step away from the "party" for a while (perhaps wait for a few of the guests to leave).
Just know that I'm still here and still reading.
Shandi,
Well, if anyone is going to read my rants, I'm glad it is you. The Freedom's Place thing didn't change the way I write. If anything it made me want to write things to tweak the goat roper and buffalo pie more. But more and more I don't care what they say or do. I deleted the links to goat boy because I don't want to endorse hypocrisy.
I read your blog about the reality of the blog world. Would we know each other if we passed on the street. I'd like think I'd know you. I pride myself on being pretty intuitive. Would we be disappointed in who we think each other are? I don't know. One thing that age has taught me is not to project. I think I see who you are. And I really do view you as a friend...virtual or real :)
So I hope you stop by here now and then and we can have real conversations.
Will I be by? Hell yeah! I'm substituting quality for quantity. I've still got time for your rants.
I think I know you. I think you've been more honest than any of them.
Looking forward to those honest conversations but... you may have to allow comments ocassionally.
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